How emotions can sabotage your peace
And how to use them to your advantage
We are emotional beings.
Even those of us that believe ourselves to be rational.
Emotions have a bad rap, and for good reason: they seem to be in charge of us. They make us feel crazy, and they make us unable to focus on the things we want to focus on.
They get in the way of our peace.
The reason this happens is because we react from our emotions. If not outwardly, then inwardly.
The difference between reacting and responding
While they are both responses to stimuli, the similarity ends there.
When we react,
We are acting from the primitive part of the brain, called the amygdala, located above the ears in the medial temporal lobe.
Reaction is quick, impulsive, and often unconscious.
We are mostly unconcerned with the longer-term effects of our reactions because we are honed in on immediate-term survival.
In our culture, our sense of survival extends beyond literal life-or-death situations and into our needs to justify our reality, and be right and validated.
Our reactions are mostly habitual, triggered by past experiences, thoughts, and emotions.
Because reaction lacks reflection, it often leads to negative consequences, like judgment, regret, misunderstandings, and disconnection.
We create an emotional co-dependency.
When we respond,
We are acting from the prefrontal cortex, located at the anterior part of the frontal lobe.
We are conscious and thoughtful.
We see the longer term consequences of what we say and do. We know we are okay.
We weigh options according to our deeper goals and values.
We consider our needs as well as those of others.
We are solution (rather than blame) oriented. This leads to greater connection, understanding, and intimacy.
We cultivate emotional interdependence.
Responding requires a higher level of emotional intelligence and the ability to slow down and tap in (self-reflect vs self-justify).
When we react to the world, we can’t feel peace. Because we take things personally, and it puts us in survival mode.
What it means to take things personally and be reactionary:
We identify with our emotions as who we (and others) are.
We make others accountable for our emotional state.
What it means to be responsive:
We see emotions as information.
We take accountability for our own emotions rather than blaming someone else.
Emotions as information: how to use them to your advantage.
Without our emotions, we’d be in a lot of trouble.
We’d fall into apathy, or indifference… which may not cause us to react, but neither will it allow us to engage with, and find joy in life.
It’s important to understand the difference between having emotions and being emotional.
Emotions are feelings that provide information. Having emotions means your body is communicating with you through your feelings. This is a good thing. It’s prompting you to be with it, and to listen for what you need.
Being emotional is reactionary. It mistakes emotions for who you are rather than as important information for your well-being. It prompts you to stop listening and to defend your identity.
Emotions provide information
When the GPS in your car or cell phone tells you to turn right, you turn right.
You listen to it because you trust that it will take you where you want to go.
If you miss a turn, it will give you an alternate route.
When your GPS offers direction, you don’t identify with, or create a story around, it. You don’t get emotional.
Similarly, your emotions are your internal GPS.
You have emotions to help navigate your life.
When you experience wholeness in your life - when you feel complete in and of yourself, and you feel at peace, inspired, and in flow - this is your GPS letting you know that whatever you’re doing, thinking, and feeling is aligned, so keep doing what you’re doing. When you’re on this path, challenges feel worthy of working through.
When you experience frustration, block, overwhelm, fog, anger, resentment, or anxiety, your emotions are telling you that something isn’t aligned. It’s telling you to make a turn. It could just be that you’re doing what you’re meant to be doing, but your mind needs to change. Perhaps you need to change your mind about your worthiness - that you don’t need to work so desperately to make things happen; that you just need to trust and find the joy in your work.
How to use your emotions to your advantage
There are some suggestions you might be familiar with on how to manage your emotions, like:
Pause and take a deep breath
Practice mindfulness and meditation; live in the present moment
Learn to recognize your triggers
Take deliberate action
Yes, those are all good. Breath, mindfulness, and meditation allows you to become self-aware, allowing you to identify triggers and reactions, making it easier to take conscious action.
But there’s something else not often talked about, that if you put into practice, will positively change your life at rapid speeds.
Your Spiritual Hungers
Let’s begin with an example, taken from an old cliché about the husband not picking up after himself at home.
His spouse thinks: He’s a slob, he’s insensitive to my needs.
There’s the label. Followed by torture. Because labels impact perspective impacts behaviors.
He only hears her tone of voice and nothing else. He thinks: what’s up with her? Does she even like me anymore?
We deny ourselves peace. We believe that peace will come if only others would change.
Have you ever been irritated by someone one day,
and then on a different day you are completely unphased by their same behaviors?
That’s because the other person has very little to do with your experiences.
It has more to do with the story dictated by your state of mind…dictated by your spiritual hungers.
Consider the dashboard of a car:
When it indicates that your gas tank is low, you drive over to the gas station and fill up your tank.
When your oil or service light goes on, you take your car in for service.
Just like the dashboard of your car, your emotions are your dashboard. They give you information, which is to fill your tank, or go in for service. Your emotions want you to fill your spiritual hungers.
Spiritual hungers are hungers that we all have.
It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have, or what background you come from. It doesn’t matter whether or not you think you’re spiritual, or what brand of God you believe in, if at all.
As long as you have a heartbeat, you have spiritual hungers. They are what underlies all of your emotions.
Here are some examples of Spiritual Hungers:
Hunger to exist
Hunger to be loved
Hunger to be touched
Hunger to be seen
Hunger to be heard
Hunger to matter
Hunger to make a difference
Hunger to know God
Hunger to feel connected
Hunger to feel whole
Everything we do is motivated by our desires to fill these hungers.
When we go after the wrong stuff to fill them - by collecting things, titles, friends, and drowning ourselves in noise - the more insatiable we become, and the further away we move from wholeness, and closer to dis-ease.
The emptier our spiritual tank, the hungrier we become, and the more desperate and intolerant we get.
For instance, when you feel starved to matter, it will look like the person in front of you is doing something insensitive, making you feel like you don’t matter. This hunger to matter, which is unbeknownst to you, might trigger anger or frustration at that person. To you, the person’s behavior is the problem (not the hunger), and you are offended. All you know to be true at that moment is that this person is insanely insensitive.
In reality, that person is doing the best that they can to manage their own concerns, energy, and emotions, and to communicate with others to the best of their ability, according to their bandwidth, and navigate the world.
Reactivity is abrupt, and it builds layers of defensive walls between us and the world around us. It disconnects and isolates.
Let’s become responsive.
Rather than blaming, name calling, or seeking revenge, put your energy towards finding ways to fill your spiritual tank with high quality, high vibrational, and deliberate, pre-frontal cortex driven action.
Figure out what your spiritual hunger is. If you’re not sure, simply choose one from the above list. They all work to fill the same tank.
That person who triggered your emotion is the angel who inadvertently made you aware that your tank is running empty. That might be the extent of their involvement with you at this time.
Now it’s on you to fill your tank.
Do something that will help you feel like you matter. Here are some ideas:
Do something for yourself that you’ve been putting off because you’ve been busy overdoing for others.
Help someone in need.
If you’re tired, sleep.
If you’re feeling the need to express, express it in the kindest, most honest way possible.
Do something you love and fills you.
Ask someone to do something for you.
Discover other ways to feel you matter.
You can have a (non-violent) conversation with the person that triggered you. But this can be difficult when you’re feeling raw with that person, so tread consciously. If you can’t, find other ways to fill your need to matter and come back to this when you’re in a better place to respond.
Be careful not to do things that will ultimately deplete your sense of mattering. Gossiping, for instance.
Gossiping can momentarily fill this hunger because you know something someone else doesn’t, and that makes you feel like you matter.
But this will ultimately deplete you, and it’s injurious to others and makes you untrustworthy.
Here are some other ways we try to fill our spiritual hungers but ends up depleting us:
Soft addictions like shopping, eating, and other consumptive behaviors
Judging people who have things, or don’t have things
Picking a fight, making the other person wrong
Instead, fill your spiritual hungers with the highest premium energy that sustains relationships and prompts you to be kinder to yourself and others. This sounds like nothing, but it’s a radical move that takes a lot of discipline and courage. It requires taking command over your ego:
Learn to be comfortable by yourself, in a still, quiet space. When you first try, tantrums will come up, and you’ll notice how loud the noise is in your head. Your mind will tell you this is ridiculous and unproductive. You will be tempted to turn on your screen or go to the fridge. Underneath all this noise are your spiritual hungers. Space alone has the power to fill them. Just give it a moment.
Learn to change your negative self-talk to one that is compassionate and loving. And practice this on others as well.
Schedule yourself into your calendar.
Schedule friends into your calendar.
Embrace boredom. You’ll get your creativity back. You’ll remember what you love to do. You’ll come up with new ideas.
Squeeze yourself a big hug by sitting with your knees to your chest. Kiss yourself on the hand, or on your knee.
Whisper “I love you” to yourself.
Eat when you’re hungry. Drink when you’re thirsty. Sleep when you’re tired. Go to the bathroom when you feel the urge. Speak when you need to. Not more, not less. More or less drains. Just right sustains.
Exercise discipline. This is a powerful spiritual hunger booster.
Ask a friend what they love about you, and take notes for future reference. Sounds like a silly exercise, but try it, the experience is profound.
Speak up.
Ask someone to give you a big hug.
Keep learning and challenging your limiting beliefs to expand yourself.
Find other creative ways to fill your spiritual hungers.
RECAP:
When you’re feeling emotional, stop and ask yourself:
Which spiritual hunger do I need to fill, and what can I do to fill it?
And then find ways to fill it. Get creative, and playful, with it.
By practicing this in your life, you’ll deepen your relationship with yourself and with the world around you.
Be patient with yourself and others. We are all doing our best.
And remember: no one else has the power to fill your hole to make you whole. Only you can.
So keep filling yourself whole.
Love you, Savitree